In a surprise move General Motors CEO Mary Barra has announced that the company is officially recalling every automobile they’ve ever made.
“We’ve come to the conclusion that automobiles by their very nature are unsafe to operate. Therefore we have decided to recall every model of every car, truck and tractor we have ever produced,” Barra said at a press conference.
“Since we issued our recall of 800,000 cars due to faulty ignition switches back in February of this year and the subsequent 45 recalls, which have involved nearly 28 million cars worldwide, I’ve had our engineers working day and night searching for other safety issues we may have missed,” she said. “Unfortunately we have come to the conclusion that basically every car we have ever made is unsafe for one reason or another.”
This latest recall includes makes and models that the company hasn’t produced since the early 1900s including the popular Winton, Cartercar, Ewing, Marquette, Sheridan, LaSalle and Elmore.
“Although GM has a long and proud heritage producing automobiles since 1897 we’ve gone back and discovered that not a single model was actually safe to drive. In fact many of our cars aren’t even safe to sit in while parked,” Barra added. “So we have decided to abandon the whole idea of producing automobiles and will divert all our efforts into other ventures.”
When asked what those other ventures might be Barra replied “After much deliberation and exhaustive meetings with our legal advisors we’ve decided that it would be in the best interests of the company and its investors if we avoided manufacturing anything that can go faster than a brisk walk or can roll over or explode or produces pollutants or has wheels. So no more automobiles.”
When asked if she will personally miss the sensation of driving along a country road on a beautiful day with the top down Barra replied, “No way! If you knew what I know about how GM and other manufacturers make automobiles you wouldn’t even want to park one near your house. I’ve already had all my cars crushed into metal cubes that I’ve used to block the end of my driveway to keep anyone from driving up to my house and if you value your lives you should cube your cars too.”
So what will GM do once it stops manufacturing automobiles? According to Barra, “Beginning early next year GM will launch our own self-destructing messaging app, since as I understand it no one actually gets hurt and I’m pretty sure we’ve already got the self-destructing part worked out.”