Global warming is simply not happening, folks, and if it is, then it's classified information that must be kept secret by the CIA at all costs.
The top secrecy of the world's weather system was revealed when a well-meaning National Security Archive scholar by the name of Jeffrey Richelson attempted to use the Freedom of Information Act to delve into the CIA's natural disaster center.
The center, set up two years ago with the sketchy aim to keep its beady eye on phenomena such as desertification, rising sea levels, population shifts and heightened competition for natural resources," has maintained near radio silence since launch and Richelson wanted to know what was going on.
The answer he received, however, is not much of an answer at all, which begs the question why climate change should be seen as something so confidential by America's watch dogs?
"We completed a thorough search for records responsive to your request and located material that we determined is currently and properly classified and must be denied in its entirety," was the official response from the agency's information and privacy coordinator Susan Viscuso, as quoted in Wired.
The statement seems odd in light of the center's scientific focus and early goals to become "a powerful asset recognized throughout our government, and beyond, for its knowledge and insight."
Perhaps we mere mortals couldn't handle that knowledge. Perhaps Al Gore was merely sugar coating his "Inconvenient Truth" and we're all really in for "The Day After Tomorrow" by the day after tomorrow?
Or perhaps someone at the CIA hasn't been recycling the plastic water cooler bottles and is afraid of being found out and hounded by a nation passionate about going green. Oh, wait, no, that can't be it.
Whatever secrets the center harbors, however, we may never get the chance to find out, what with budget cuts quickly closing in and eco-political scapegoats up for financial slaughter.
Better start building that hurricane resistant bunker, folks, because when weather strikes, not a one of us will have seen it coming.