How the Kardashians set out to ruin the iPad 5 launch

Posted by Emory Kale
The well waxed harpies of reality television may be on Microsoft's payroll because they managed to time the breakdown of ALL of their relationships to coincide with the announcement of a giant nail in the coffin of the PC era. We could have been going: whoa, 64-bit tablets rock. Instead, its all: you go and git on out of there, Bruce, before your facial features are pulled behind your ears.
So, the well coiffed rumor is that Apple is going to announce the iPad 5 at an event on October 22. The expectation is that it will feature a 64-bit processor, much like that of the iPhone 5S, and everyone is thinking, Yay, iPads in the enterprise.
Why does an iPad with 64-bit processing make a difference to Apple's chances in the enterprise? 
We are very glad you asked because we think we have some smart answers here:
1. Enterprise apps can migrate from the desktop to the tablet because the power, and the benefits of 64-bit procession make it possible for a larger array of enterprise apps to be developed. In simple terms, it's easier to think of an tablet as a replacement for a PC when it has the latest processing buzzwords and can handle larger, more sophisticated apps equally well. 
2. You can't get enterprise budgets for the usual PC replacement cycle. We know that the PC market is shrinking. You can't necessarily get upgrade budgets for iPads, either. They are somewhat of an extravagance. With enterprises hitting the end of the latest upgrade cycle, now that Windows XP is done, and most companies have replaced it, 2014 is likely to be the time the time when IT departments might start to think about how cool it would be to put their apps on an iPad.
3. Without Steve Ballmer, Microsoft is going to get a more pragmatic leader. That leader is going to do more with Microsoft office products (uhm, Microsoft Office to start with) on iOS and Android because they're kind of a big deal. The more day to day Microsoft office stuff works better and equitably on iOS and Android, the easier it is for enterprises to incorporate iPads instead of PCs. Ballmer tried, disingenuously, to claim Excel and Word were keyboard and mouse products, and the tablets didn't fall into that category. He tended to overlook the fact that there the next generation of uses is swipe and tap. 
4. If Apple doesn't get the iPad into the enterprise, Android will get there in bundles. Apple can't afford to lose out now. Traditionally, Apple doesn't like to cannibalize its own products, but it doesn't really have much to cannibalize here. It just replaces PCs. Steve Jobs may not have cared so much, but Apple's managers are more pragmatic. 
Unfortunately, just when everyone should have been salivating at the imminent announcement of the iPad 5, Bruce and Kris Jennger decided to announce their separation after 22 years of money grubbin', fame whorin' bliss. And Lamar Odom realized that the only way he could redeem his soul was to get so drugged up that Khloe Kardashian would divorce him. The two men did not do this just to get out of their marriages but to provide a whole season of angst for the ladies so that they would let them go in peace. You know they would never have gotten out without creating a few plot lines for the new season of Keeping up with the Kardashians. You would just see the men in the background, their genitals slowly withering as they waited for the sweet sleep of death to get them out of the picture.
That's may theory, and I am sticking to it.
No one has any idea what the hell is wrong with Kanye other than his clear allegiance to Satan hence his need to mate with Kim Kardashian thereby opening up a portal to Hell somewhere outside of Calabasas. End of days, people. End of days.