Mercedes' 2014 S-Class: one car to rule them all

Posted by Emory Kale
Our precious has 455 bhp at 5500 rpm. It is, undoubtedly, the most luxurious sedan that can be had by people who don't work here for peanuts. It is one automatic shaving system away from being the greatest car ever invented.
 
Mercedes S-Class 2014 interior
Car and Driver Magazine has a review of the car that makes you want to mug the 1% in their hedge fund mansions for loose change to buy one of these suckers. I mean, just talking about the seats makes us want to go all Gollum on someone who's got one in his driveway:
 
For example, absolutely nobody knows he needs two reverse gear ratios or stereo-speaker mood lights in seven driver-selectable colors. At least, not yet. Or seat coolers that suck (air) for four minutes before they blow, which does indeed chill your sweaty backside more quickly. The “hot-stone massage” feature, also optional, feels as if somebody were poking you with warm snooker balls. And the softer pillows on the headrests of the two optional, electrically reclining “executive” rear chairs are like dunking your head into clotted cream. Americans even get special maxi air conditioning that can channel a nor’easter at your chest, something Europeans hate, apparently.
 
what's with all the JJ Abrams like lens flare Mercedes
 
There's a bloody 15 minute video on everything Mercedes put into this sucker. Just take a look because, I swear this car will be your best friend and will take care of you and your crappy driving skills. It will think of everything. 
 
 

 
Those who can, drive it, and those who can't, write about it.