Ultimate geezer pastime gets high-tech makeover

Posted by Emory Kale
So, you go on a cruise because you are old. You can't afford much in the way of a room so, you settle for a metal box with nary a porthole. But, don't fret because now you get a big screen on one wall and it will be called a virtual balcony. You are now ready to jump and kill yourself but, you can't because you'd just run into a big TV.
To be fair, our world weary patina may be wearing thin so, let's hear it from the horse's mouth so, you don't think it's just us being cynical:
 
Royal Caribbean International’s Navigator of the Seas is primed to resume year-round service from Galveston, Texas on February 5, 2014, after completing a month-long drydock revitalization. Part of an extensive fleetwide program to enhance every Royal Caribbean’ ship, Navigator of the Seas will WOW (sic) the Lone Star State with the area’s most innovative and contemporary Caribbean cruise vacation by introducing new and significantly enhanced dining options; debut a new FlowRider surf simulator; and offer a glimpse ahead toward the cruise line’s highly anticipated Quantum of the Seas.
 
Most anticipated of all the ship’s additions is the new FlowRider surf simulator, the center of the action atop the Sports Deck (deck 13), as well as the debut of Royal Caribbean’s first Virtual Balconies in 81 interior staterooms displaying expansive, real-time views of the ocean and destinations. Virtual Balconies were first announced for Quantum of the Seas, which debuts October 2014, and vacationers can be among the first to experience the innovation on Navigator of the Seas – even before the Quantum class is launched. Vacationers also can choose new Panoramic Ocean View staterooms, featuring floor-to-ceiling glass walls providing guests breathtaking, unobstructed views all the time.
 
 
There's about another 600 words on what you can eat on the cruise ship, but we want to keep our eyes and not have to gouge them out. We were about to take them out when we saw the capitalized "wow."
 
Words cannot express our sadness and heartfelt condolences to the poor souls who will get the virtual balcony because, it will be like, well, Kafkaesque. As if it is not bad enough that you have to get stuck inside a steel water-bound prison and possibly die from a blocked artery before you can jump overboard, but now you have to pretend that you can see the ocean while you are on the ocean because you are too poor to see it while you are on it.
 
Oh, yeah, we feel bad for Texas, too because, this is about the most exciting thing that can happen them if this press release is to be believed. Sorry Lone Star State.
 
Fries the brain thinking about it, right? Sometimes we just hate technology. And marketing people. And marketing people who use technology to make us feel sad.