Bigfoot is not only real, it's the product of breeding between human females and an unknown hominid, and should be given human rights - if a Texas DNA researcher is to be believed.
Dr Melba S Ketchum of DNA Diagnostics says that she and her team have carried out a five-year analysis of hair samples purporting to come from the creature, and says that while they contain human mitochondrial DNA, their nuclear DNA is that of an unknown primate species.
The implication is that, some 15,000 years ago, a human female mated with the other species to produce the Bigfoot, or Sasquatch.
"Our study has sequenced 20 whole mitochondrial genomes and utilized next generation sequencing to obtain three whole nuclear genomes from purported Sasquatch samples," says Ketchum.
"The genome sequencing shows that Sasquatch mtDNA is identical to modern Homo sapiens, but Sasquatch nuDNA is a novel, unknown hominin related to Homo sapiens and other primate species."
Ketchum's now calling on public officials and law enforcement to immediately recognize the Sasquatch as an indigenous people.
"Genetically, the Sasquatch are a human hybrid with unambiguously modern human maternal ancestry," she says.
"Government at all levels must recognize them as an indigenous people and immediately protect their human and Constitutional rights against those who would see in their physical and cultural differences a ‘license’ to hunt, trap, or kill them."
It goes without saying that there are some decidedly iffy aspects to this research. Ketchum is at least a real person, despite the fact that her middle initial and surname make for a near-homonym of the creature she's researching - simply nominative determinism, one presumes.
The release, though, gives no indication as to where the research is to appear, despite claiming that it's already undergoing peer review. And Ketchum has been touting her findings for quite some time, promising a movie and book.
We've approached Ketchum for a bit more information. In the meantime, though, here at TG Daily we're up for a bit of wishful thinking as much as the next man - and wouldn't it be lovely if it were true?