Woman fails to shut down Large Hadron Collider

Posted by Emma Woollacott

A German woman has failed in her bid to stop evil scientists from destroying the world.

Constitutional judges in Karlsruhe dismissed a lawsuit calling for the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) to close down the Large Hadron Collider.

The woman told the court that proton collisions within the particle accelerator would create black holes which would swallow the planet. But apparently her explanations of the quantum physics involved went over the judges' heads.

She couldn't explain, either, how CERN was violating her rights, said the court - although you'd think being sucked into a black hole and squished to infinite density was a bit out of order in a civilised society.

The woman had already attempted to save the world once before in a different court, but she lost her case then too.

Of course, the scientists are determined not to let the public get wind of their evil plans, and have been fighting the truth wherever it emerges (mostly on dodgy blogs).

They keep insisting that there's no way the LHC could possibly produce black holes big enough to swallow the earth - any that did appear would be minute and would vanish almost instantly through Hawking radiation.

Anyway, the woman doesn't need to worry. With delay after delay, breakdown after breakdown, it's obvious that God just isn't going to let it happen.

The latest news is that it's likely to be closed at the end of 2011 for a year to improve the copper sheathing.