Sex is not a game, Fox News has declared in self-righteous indignation, in response to a recent Kinect hack which saw game developer ThriXXX come up with a rather creepy, yet undoubtedly entertaining, use for the device which involves groping a girl sitting in a chair with a disembodied hand.
No, really, it's great, it just sounds weird.
Of course, it's no secret that Republicans are defiantly anti-sex (at least in public where "family values" is a buzz word, as opposed to "abominations" which so often seems to give right-winged politicos a buzz in gay club toilets).
But Republican mouthpiece Fox, playing the family friendly card (nanny state, rather), feels parents must be warned of the dangers their children face should they ever see virtual breasts, or even real breasts, never mind groping said breasts, and, oh shoot, should we even be saying 'breasts' this often?
KFOX14 was so disturbed by the game, it went as far as airing a fear-inducing puff piece about it, interviewing the parents of a 5-year old child who would likely never have even heard about the game, less have the ability to hook up his Kinect to his parents' PC, get on ThriXXX's website, find and use his parents' credit card details and download the virtual grope fest.
For crying out loud, if the kid wanted breasts, he's probably still young enough to get mother's milk. But that's all irrelevant to "fair and balanced" Fox.
"It's inappropriate, especially when these games are geared towards younger children," said overly concerned mother, Angelica Valverde to Fox's 'reporters'.
True, it certainly would be inappropriate, except the game is not geared towards children, Ms. Valverde, and Microsoft has said it will never approve it for Kinect, so strictly speaking, it's not "geared" at anyone.
"You see the commercials on the Disney channel, on Nickelodeon of course they're going to want them," she blathers on.
Disney and Nickelodeon are marketing the gropy game to children? Now, if that is true (which it isn't) Fox should most certainly investigate with all the tools at its disposal (Phineas and Ferb?).
To make matters worse, the report also featured the child's grandfather, Martin Valverde, admitting that the first thing to cross his obviously pervy mind when he hooked up the Kinect at the family home was whether someone would make pornography for it.
And this is a dirty minded man Fox deems safe to be left in a house alone with a young child.
Since its launch a few months ago, Microsoft's Kinect quickly became a target for talented hackers who proved able to do some rather amazing things with it, like controlling robots, scanning rooms, playing air guitars with real sound, drawing with physics and, fondling virtual women with ghostly looking hands.
But really, was it any surprise to anyone that geeks would soon harness their skills to create simulations of virtual sex?
Developer ThriXXX showed off its thrilling virtual grope on YouTube a few weeks ago, where it was promptly flagged and removed by outraged moral puritans - though God knows how they, er, came across such a video in the first place.
Luckily, the clips can still be found on the developer's web site, though we wouldn't recommend checking it out at work.
Still, to be, ehem, fair and balanced, it's important to note that only content Microsoft or its Indie Game Creator Community is able to approves which games get onto the Kinect and Microsoft has already slammed ThriXXX's offering, dashing the hopes of pervy teens everywhere.
Chalk one up for sexual suppression, Fox, and rejoice at another generation of repressed Republicans in the making. [[Kinect]]