Positively the only gifts that you can buy now for Christmas

Posted by Emory Kale
Are you going to kid yourself and think that you have any hope of redeeming yourself now that you have about 90 minutes left to shop for Christmas presents? Yes, you are. So, let's see if we can help you along.

1. Scented Candles

 
They can be bought in almost any shop out there. You can even buy them at some gas stations. They smell nice. They last quite some time, and everyone can use them. 
 
It shows your absolute lack of forethought or imagination, but you are a procrastinating fool so, suck it up, buy them in any scent, other than lavender, and make sure they are big and you stuff them in a really expensive gift bag with tons of that crinkly, tissue paper stuff they give you.

2. Booze

 
You can buy booze any time, almost any place (I am going to assume that you are not celebrating Christmas in Saudi Arabia) and the choices are staggering.
 
Cousins get beer. You can buy craft beers. Who cares from where? Find a local microbrewery and just buy whatever crap they sell. Microbreweries can be crap and people will think they are quaint and local or, it's just the water in the area that makes them taste like that.
 
For people you are trying to impress, go for whiskey. Just make sure it is expensive. No one can really tell which one is the good vintage. I mean, it is all Scottish and the names sound all the same with some variation of McSomething or other. Just make sure it comes in a classy box.
 
If you buy a woman booze as a gift, you are a moron, unless it is a co-dependent relationship which is the only time you get a pass.  You may like to keep the number of a good rehab facility handy, and don't watch any old Lindsay Lohan movies.
 

3. Gift Certificates to Spas or Nail Salons 

 
Spas: his and hers, or hers. It all works. There is always a Spa nearby. They are always desperate to give you gift certificates. If it is a fancy 5 Star hotel spa and resort, they will give it to you in a fabulous gift box and bag. It's like, Why bother getting anything else.
 
Nail Salons and Hairdressers: ladies only except for cousin Jamie, who hasn't been the same since he became a Pilates Instructor and decided that he didn't want to be cousin Frank anymore. Again, this is really easy. Nail salons make Starbucks look positively shy and retiring. They occupy a slot in every strip mall in America.
 

4. Gift Cards by Email

This is when you are truly desperate and are pretty much ready to acknowledge that you are a loser. A gift card that is a code or barcode sent by email is great if you are stuck on top of a mountain during Christmas with your Sherpa friends, but you can't use it if you are planning on running into the receiver any time within the next six months.
 
Amazon works best. Everything else is a crapshoot.

5. CVS Gift Cards for Restaurants

 
In CVS, and now every supermarket and drugstore in the country, you will find a giant carousel of gift cards for everywhere from Chili's to Starbucks. Excellent gifts for very distant relatives, and people who would never think of giving you anything, but will feel guilty for getting a $10 gift card for Applebee's. 
 
The Chili's gift card is pretty good, by the way. It gives you access to a number of fine dining establishments.

6. Botulism, Influenza, Herniated Disc

 
You can choose any of these imaginary ailments for yourself. They are fantastic for getting out of giving anyone anything. 
 
When it comes to lying about your problems remember that you can have too much of a good thing. If you are suffering from a very complex disease, you will have to deal with the repercussions for the length of time treatment should occur.
 
It is best to stick to stuff that is unseeable, easily cured with rest and isolation, and that no one will want to be around, but will not feel that you are skank for having.
 
Merry Christmas. You are welcome.