10 things guaranteed to annoy us in 2011

Posted by Emory Kale

This year was among the most annoying ever because no one had a job, or money, and everyone lost their house to an ugly bank guy with a handlebar mustache and a stovepipe hat. Next year will be worse.

2011 is already shaping up to be the most annoying year ever, beating out this year by a mile because it will be populated by Optimist Pixies who will chirp about how the economy is turning around, and there will be Facebook billionaires who will eat lots of cake while stealing your sense of self worth, and of course, there will be tons of politicians stuffing their pockets with money from the very people they will claim to be protecting us from.

Bastards!

Here is my list of most annoying things in 2011, in no particular order because order annoys me, too.

Bill Gates telling us to do good
Remember when Gatesy was just plain mean and wanted to eat babies while stomping on the testicles of Steve Jobs and anyone else who wore turtleneck way too often? He was kind of a nerdy cool then. Creepy, smart as a whip, and the world's richest super-elf. Now, he plays Bridge with Warren Buffet, and tries to cure AIDS. What’s up with that, dude?! Satan is playing Canasta with Andy Griffith and roasting marshmallows for the homeless!

Nerdy Internet Billionaires
You are all super unattractive. You know who you are. I mean, we have to watch you being paraded around as visionaries and just soooo much smarter and prescient than the rest of us, but you look like crap. Get a stylist, a decent haircut, and for goodness sake, get a tan. Roman Abramovich should be your role model. Yachts, houses and parties around the world, owns a major sports franchise, has a really hot young-young girlfriend, and the man looks like he could beat a few dollars out of you if it came down to it.

Groupon
Because nothing makes more angry than watching someone make bucket loads of money off a really simple idea that results in annoying marketing tactics that make us even angrier And if we read one more story about how the founder/CEO is such a fun and trippy guy, we will have to beat the writer with a Groupon staffer who is going to look back in ten years time on having made an awful lot of people rich in return for a couple of free sodas and an indoor skateboard park.

Zombies and the people who love them.
Need I say more?

The Movie Industry
Things are so bad that middling movies that might have gotten by with an okay rating are now being praised to high heaven as classics. For example, True Grit, The Social Network, The Fighter, and the awful Black Swan, are among recent such examples. These movies, except Black Swan, are okay, but they're not great. They are definitely not masterpieces but considering the competition, well, now we know how Paul Rudd became a leading man. In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king, or some such crap. Doesn't stop us from getting angry, and no number of lesbian action between Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman is going to make things better.

The PC
Why do we still have to have one? I tell you why, because there is no alternative. Some of us actually have to work for a living and we can't do that on an Tablet or a Smartphone. This makes us mad because, the people who don't have to work will keep telling you about how these other devices are the future, but us who have to work are still stuck in the past.

Comic Con
We finally got to go this year, and it was nothing but a slap in the face of human existence. We have spent millions of years evolving from seafaring slugs only to end up as sweating idiots in ill fitting costumes who salivate at the mention of the color of Thor's underpants. The most overrated crapfest ever. We remember the days when being a comic book fan was a guilty pleasure best kept hidden from the real world. Now, it's like spending eternity at the drive through window.

Cloud Computing
You know what this means? Damned if I do. I know it means that I have to subscribe to every little crappy app out there just to get a whole experience. It's micropayments gone mad. Everyone is moving to a software subscription model. Nothing really works with anything else. Nothing connects that great. You end up managing a hundred different vendors when you only five at best and you have to do QA on hundreds of crappy apps that get rushed out because some clever product manager jerk wanted to get an iPad on the company dime. We will all be buried under app debt in 2011 and own nothing and have no say and burn our retinas out from forcing them to peer at 4 inch screens that hold 40 columns of a spreadsheet.

Apocalyptic Visionaries
2012 is round the corner, and just like when Independence Day came out and we were all waiting for an alien invasion on the 4th of July, now we are all waiting for the oceans to drown us all in 2012 because they are mad at not having any Mayans to kick around. In the meantime, crazies will stock up on supplies preparing to fight off the Islamic hordes amassing on the borders of Oklahoma, carrying illegal immigrants on their backs, and packing dirty bombs they bought from corrupt officials in Kazakhstan. It will all be Obama's fault, of course, and Sarah Palin will choke on a fishbone because she won't know that fish actually have bones. They be gosh darn invertacrates.

You
Yeah, you heard me. You. You with no backbone. You haven't had a single defining moment in your life. No great wars, no famine, no disease, nothing to test your mettle, to shape your humanity. You just float across the Web living off of the comments of others. You're turning society into a bunch of paranoid freaks who have no experience of real problems or terror so, they just make stuff up, or wake up screaming from a bad dream and can't tell what is real and what is not.
 

Happy New Year!