5 things people without an iPhone 4 can do

Posted by Emory Kale

If you don't have one of Apple's golden tickets on pre-order you have other things you can do.

1. Android
There are sooooooooooo many Android phones out there, and they are good, and they have apps, and they are available, and they don't make you feel like you have to get a manicure to use one.

If you don't have an iPhone, you have a lot of other ways you can make a phone call on the go. I thought that was obvious.

2. Laugh
You can titter, guffaw, and yuck it up at people who worship at the cult of iPhone 4. This comes with self-confidence and a sense of self-worth because, you know that not having an iPhone 4 doesn't make you any less of a person. Really, it doesn't. Dr. Phil would agree with me, I bet. However, if you don't have a Vuvuzela, you suck.

You also know that if you need to flash your phone to make an impression, you are a sad, sad individual. Listen up bleached blonde lady at Broadway Deli in Santa Monica on Tuesday June 15, 2010. Never order the hash browns, by the way.

3. Drums
Drums are very cool. They are an effective communication tool, and if you play the drums you are more likely to get with the ladies than someone with an iPhone 4. Women who play the drums can have their own island where they will be waited on by semi-naked men who smell of Axe because, apparently the smell turns them real crazy like.

Drum comms also eliminates the need for geolocation services. It is a sure bet that if you are chatting with drums, you are close enough to hear each other, and therefore, close enough to meet. No fear of getting radiated to death, either. We are amazed that more people are not doing this.

4. Check the Internets for news on Apple's supply chain
Some of you may not be willing to live without the iPhone 4. You may actually like to have one, but you just didn't get to the right page in time. You may spend every 15 minutes checking the Web for news of a potential opening or miraculous appearance of a new shipment ready for pre-order.

You may decrease time between searches to 3 minutes because, dammit, you need that phone. You need that phone now. You'se got to have that phone.

You are sweating. You have the shakes. You can feel a burning hole on the inside of your stomach. It's getting worse, and your head is boiling. It is literally boiling. You don't have the phone, and you need one.

Someone's got to have a phone. You'll do anything for one.

This kind of iPhone 4 obsession usually leads to carjacking and prostitution.

5. Send a letter to President Obama
The President has extra iPhones. He is the President so, he can have as many as he likes. In fact, he is the only person in the world who gets one even when he doesn't want one. You know this because, you blame the government for everything that is wrong with your life. The government has taken all of the iPhones.

You can write to the President and see if he gives you one of his spare phones. You are a voter, and a citizen, and you have a right to the President's spare phones.

You should write to Sarah Palin, too. She can make a big stink about how the President is responsible for the iPhone 4 being shipped to terrorist sympathizers. She has more power than the President because she was the quitting governor of the state next to Russia. One day, she will blow up Russia and stop them getting any iPhone 4s. More for real Americans.

Oooh, you can write to Steve Jobs and remind him how you have had to sit through every Pixar movie made in the last seven years since your youngest was born. Every single one, Jobs! Surely that's worth an iPhone 4.

How can a benevolent God let so many people go without an iPhone 4 on pre-order?! This is yet another disaster, like an earthquake or something really, really bad, God. Why??