Apple: One day in the life of the fame whore of tech

Posted by Emory Kale

Reading about iPhones, iPads, and iJobs is like letting a marshmallow cloud swallow your brain.

It just doesn’t make sense. How can so much be written about one company, most of it of absolutely no consequence to anyone or anything? There is obviously huge interest because, Google says so.

The coverage of Apple and its products borders on being a parody of the world of fame whores. Take today, for example:

The iPad keyboard. Lots of people wrote about that accessory. Imagine a whole bunch of stories about a keyboard in Best Buy, or Fry’s. Then imagine that it is no longer your nightmare scenario but that people are actually being paid to come up with ways to stretch out a two line item about an overpriced keyboard for something that is designed to work without one. The simple truth of the matter is that the keyboard is too expensive, the iPad doesn't multitask so it isn't much of a productivity tool, and why pay all that money for a handheld device that has a touch screen and then set it up on a desk like a normal computer?

In fame whore world: Pamela Anderson is booted off of Dancing with the Stars. This is news because there are sooooo many people who could have been watching the actual show on television but would rather wait to read about it the next day.

Ellen. The entertainer. She goes and does a parody ad on an iPhone, and Apple is not happy. Apparently that is news.  Apparently there are people who work at Apple who feel the need to talk to a comedienne about how unfunny she is and the wrong message that she is sending out about their product. Why doesn't someone just say it: Apple is stuck up, self-righteous, and the people who work there are cultists who would rather shave their heads and dance at airports than give up five minutes of listening to Taylor Swift on their iPhones, which they paid for with their own money.

In the fame whore world: Kim Kardashian’s ex-husband tells In Touch magazine that Kim was and is a fame whore. This comes as a shock to all of those people who thought that she rose out of the sea in an open clam shell holding on to nothing but a copy of her sex tape with Ray J.

Apple and Antitrust. If there ever was a story that was a non-story then, this is it. Adobe complains to the FTC about Apple. FTC minions see an opportunity to get some press. Adobe sees an opportunity to get some press. Tech publications everywhere see an opportunity to release methane into the atmosphere through the clever manipulation of onscreen fonts. You can't be sued, people, for telling someone that you have rules about how to program for your device. Simple as that. The iPhone is only a monopoly in the iPhone market. Hmmm. The iPad is not a monopoly. Apple is not a monopoly. Apple does, however, have a monopoly on sycophantic journalists, and brown nosers (should that be one word).

In the fame whore world: Heidi Montag is getting even bigger fake breasts than the ginormous fake ones she just got put in a little while ago. This is news because fake breasts are always news. I don’t have a problem with this, actually. The world needed to know this piece of information and the resulting graphics has helped me sympathize with the victim. Thank you celebrity bloggers. Thank you.

Apple shares went up a little when it said it had sold a million iPads. A day later, it went down a little. OMFG! My brain is now a candidate s’more. This is a chart. It is not news. You want to see shares go up and down, try following airline stocks.

In the fame whore world: Lindsay Lohan is into some crazy shizz. Does it really matter what anymore. It’s too sad. The whole friggin’ Lohan clan is sad. I have to go find my happy place.