What's the most important news story in the world today? The Haiti earthquake, the possibility of peace talks with the Taliban or Tony Blair facing questioning in the inquiry into the invasion of Iraq? Don't be silly. It's a new consumer gadget from Apple.
While the world struggles to find new adjectives to describe the wonderfulosity of James Cameron's 3D epic, Avatar, the more sober amongst us reckon that film lovers should be afraid - very afraid - of what its runaway success means.
You could be mistaken for thinking Hollywood has finally given up pretending that it actually uses sentient beings to make movies but, that's not the case. The BBC is airing the first film shot entirely by chimpanzees as part of a natural history documentary on January 27, 2010.
A nervous astronomer from the UK's Royal Observatory in Greenwich warns that we should be jolly careful about contacting extra-terrestrials because they could turn out to be more Alien than ET.
Google should start selling Ninja accessories, Ninja swords, nunchuks, Ninja bedspreads. Just give up on the damn phone, Google.
Parental control just isn't what it used to be. Flaws in Apple software let's kids see the dreaded NSFW images that we spend most of our time trying to find.
A 21-year-old British woman has been recognised as the biggest collector of Pokémon memorabilia in the world, having accumulated 12,113 different items over 13 years.
We haven't got a teaser for this article that wouldn't put us in hell. Is it hot in here? I'm burning up, man!
A 42-year-old Taiwanese man with a history of high blood pressure has died of a stroke after becoming somewhat overexcited watching blue blockbuster Avatar.
OMG, billg is friending me and texting me and twittering me. 2G2BT. GMTA.
There is NOTHING going on that's why Apple could launch a marshmallow into a bucket of iced tea next week and it would be the most amazing thing ever. A low fat, sugar free marshmallow in edible gold paper shot out of a Prada cannon by Victoria's Secret' models, of course.
Telling someone you're planning to blow up an airport is never a good idea, especially if the cops are listening in. So when a UK man tweeted to his friends that Robin Hood Airport in Doncaster was about to bite the big one, it should have come as no surprise that last week he was busted and interrogated for seven hours by anti-terror police.
Words fail us on this one. You have to see it to believe it.
Never have so many done so much for so much bad hair.
Readers of a nervous or terminally-stupid disposition might like to note that we're officially a minute closer to death, destruction, general unpleasantness and yet more re-runs of Seinfeld than we were, err, thirty years ago.
A 47-year-old Harvard graduate orchestrated his own death in a shooting in Guatemala City in a bid to blame President Alvaro Colom for his murder.
Staff at an animal sanctuary thought a dog was deaf until they realized it only understood Polish.